I often have times, when I actually can not find words to describe my feelings. Crazy, but true..

These are moments that I absolutely cherish. When you feel so much emotion, there really aren’t words for it. Births do that to me. A fresh new little wrinkled up baby.  A new life.

Death has done that to me. I was in the room when my Dad took a final breath.  I knew he was gone, because his essence left the room. His peace was gone from that room, but I also knew where he was headed. That is faith, and there really aren’t words for faith either.

People do that to me sometimes, both in a good way or a bad way I suppose. I have had a person look directly at me , right in to my eyes as if they are looking directly at my heart. No kidding, as odd as that sounds, it has felt like that. There are no words for that, just a connection that one can feel in the soul. This is someone to cherish, if they can do this. You don’t have to say a single word, you just feel. It’s ok anyway, because there are no words for that. On the flip of that , I have had a person or two look at me so hateful, they truly look directly though me. It’s chilling, and if a person can do that, they need feared. Or slapped, but go with fear, too many folks going around slapping one another is not a good idea anyway.  That is something there are words for, just use them wisely.

Putting words together, can sometimes sound like noise. I have had an enormous amount of quiet time lately. I may not even talk at all for hours on end. It’s good. Because there are no words for a feeling. A hope, a desire, a need, a tear, a laugh. Sure, those are words, but string those together, and you have a feeling. To cherish.

Spend a moment or two just looking at things in your life, and you will find yourself speechless.

PEACE!!

Music

I have been listening to an enormous amount of music lately. Filling my house with song, and some dancing, with my mop actually..good dancer.
Also singing, which , in the kitchen, it’s a great hall where I am Queen of the Night. Ok, that was dramatic.

I love music. All kinds, except maybe anything by Taylor Swift. Too much of a downer. I mean, get it together girl! In particular, I have been listening to a lot of Dave Matthews Band. I used to really like that music somewhere in the 90’s. I really had no idea about lyrics, just loved that it’s music. All of the songs are actually SUNG, and backed up by tremendous talent! But I listen now, to the lyrics. Truly, these songs are so meaningful. Love songs. Broken heart type songs, happy songs, all with very meaningful lyrics.

One that has stuck with me, I posted the link above to the You Tube lyric video.. “Grey Street.” I feel that is me. Not so much in the sense that I don’t think God hears my prayers, but I have felt like my prayers end up somewhere between me and the ceiling. Most people say not to question that, but I am still very human, and I do feel that way sometimes, even though I know somewhere deep inside, He does indeed hear. If you look at the Lyric, it may be quite sad. This girl has no “color.” She sees everything as Grey. Her heart is broke due to that. Even as her bleeding heart is red, it mixes together to Grey.

The kicker of this song, is it is filled with beautiful music. You can move to this song.

So..that’s for sure me. All kinds of complex, heart breaking stuff happening somewhere inside me, yet, the music of this life is filled with so much beautiful noise. Who wants to ever really change that???

Not me…

“ I live on the corner of Grey Street, and the end of the world…”

I highly recommend music. No matter, just well……SING!!!

PEACE!!!

What does the heart know, really? 

I have been thinking a lot about the condition of the heart. Not in a medical sense..but in a soul sense.  The gut sense. 

I am not gonna try to come off self absorbed, however the truth of my life is my heart, no, for the purpose of this writing , I am gonna call it my soul.

Ok. My soul is, huge. I feel things so deeply. Mostly the people in my life, I feel in my soul.  Of course the obvious ones are my children, my family.  The most wonderful thing is when I look at one of my kid’s face, when they laugh. That, I feel, in my soul.  There is something about laughter, when my kids do it, that is so wonderful and amazing to me. It makes the times when tears fall, that much more deeply felt that I want to remove those..always. These are the moments, that you drink in like a tall glass of really cold water. Refreshes the soul.

Then, there are the people we walk through life with.  Not to be “movie kinda sappy,” but I remember a wedding I was privileged to attend a while back. The Bride was one of my co workers. Who is truly like a Daughter to me, now. I remember when she was at the beginning of the isle. She was absolutely breathtaking, but not because of what she was wearing, or her hair, or her very obvious beauty, but because of her soul. I looked at her soon to be husband at that split second, and…you could see his soul.  Those are the moments, and it’s really quick, but if you don’t take the second to see that, I can tell you, you are missing the world.

I think the trouble sometimes with how much people matter to me, is the potential to be hurt, most likely too easily. We are going to hurt one another. It is inevitable. It is going to happen. I guess, that if it was impossible to hurt one another, it would be that much more impossible to love. Love covers a multitude of sins the Bible says. God also, tells us, to above all else put on Love.  I am attempting, to put on Love as if it was on old ratty T-shirt, that you simply can not part with. It’s so comfortable. So warm..

I won’t put that on everyday, the way I should. But my soul longs for that…

And , for lack of a better way to put it, Me and my soul, are a work in progress.

PEACE!!

Facebook…oh dear sweet, lovable to hate Facebook.

This “Social” outlet for good or for evil, for better or worse, I love it.

I have been to so many weddings,  Birthday Parties, Graduations, Vacations,

Births, all from the creeping around on people’s tagged pics, of people I do not know at all. It’s quite fascinating really. I have also attempted a “social Media Fast” on a few occasions , I don’t know, something about trying to re-focus my attention or something, these “Fasts” all together lasted about 48.5 minutes. Which is good, for me.

I have also, come back in contact with people scattered out all across my past. Beautiful, real  people, that were it not for this social network, I may have never seen or talked to again..in this way. I get to see their lives, kids, houses, dogs, mobile uploads, struggles and triumphs. Without making a Facebook, this, enrichment of my life, would have never occurred.

Kids HATE in total, that adults have entered this world at an alarming rate over the last several years.  They had a world free from Farm games, little factoid pics, and comments, at this level, then we showed up. Which is the fun part, for this MOM anyway. J ( notice, a smiley.)

I am, unfortunately, sarcastic. Sometimes this particular power is used for good. To end a bad moment, stop an argument, make someone think about what we are even saying, stuff  like that.  I also use this particular power at times for evil, and end up in a heap of trouble.  In real life, it sorta works for me. Someone can see my face, my body language and eventually “get” it.

However, in the Facebook  world, not so much. I have been deleted, blocked, un-friended, re-friended, smashed, and in boxed way more than a person should be. 

Sure..It makes it impossible to hear the “tone “ in a person’s post, or comment. But I have found if you add a little  “  J   “  to the said post, or comment it may or may not help to take the sting out of whatever you have to say. Also a real nice little “ LOL” takes the bite out as well.

I often try to see the lesson in things, and what is the lesson of  Facebook?

None. Not a single lesson. Just life. Life we enjoy sharing. Pics we like to share, thoughts we like to share, songs we sing, Love we have.  So, click like, add a smiley, and Laugh out LOUD..in real life as well as Facebook.

PEACE!

Choices. Decisions. I never like to stand on the cusp of making any choice or decision.

I am not an adventurous soul at all. Heck, I can not even decide what to have for lunch with any kind of stability. Every time I make the food choice, I am sorry. Why?

Take “Subway” for example. You have to stand there, and tell them everything you want on a “samich.”  What kind of bread? Toasted? Not toasted?  It’s more than I can handle.

The pressure is quite unbearable. Then they have the gall to ask if you want “to make this a meal?”  Wait. What? Is this not already a meal??  Ghastly. Just make it like I saw on the commercial. Easy. Don’t ask these deep questions of me.

I look back over choices in my life, decisions made, good, bad , ugly. The choice to marry, the choice to quit college. The choice to leave this or that job. What shirt to wear?  The choice to say, or not say what’s on my mind. The choice to argue, or walk away.  I can very easily wonder, if I made another type of choice, where would I be? 

I wouldn’t be “me.” I wouldn’t have my family. I would not have the three most beautiful choices I ever made. My kids.

It would be fine, really, if I could jump in the “Back to the Future” car, and simply tweak those choices. Right down to the shirt I chose to wear on July 16^th, 1983.  Tweak, but not change.

Our decisions make us. Who we are. Mistakes, and good things, ugly stuff, and beautiful stuff.  I stand, once again on the cusp of a major choice. I don’t like the feeling at all. But, on the other hand I LOVE the feeling. See?  Life, time, tears, laughter..

I’ll make the right or wrong choice, and be who I am.

In the meantime, I need to discover how to stand at Subway,  and not wax poetic when the question is posed, “What kind of cheese?”

PEACE!!!