It’s very interesting how personal trauma works. The dictionary reports trauma to be this:
“A deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” Adding “personal injury” as definition number 2.
I came face to face today with an individual that I can say caused both definitions to my life. The pain this person caused me and those around me because of it, is actual trauma. The impact this human had on me is hard to describe and took almost a solid year to not actively hate. Hate doesn’t hurt anyone except yourself. When you feel that type of anger it is harming you, not the object of that emotion. They do not care. So, there they were. Smiling at me, and asking how I am. Really. Smiling at me, and asking the pleasant question of how I am. I felt kind of sick to my stomach, a wave a nausea. This person is a successful businessperson. Well respected in the area where I live. Folks enjoy name dropping their name because it makes them feel important or “In the know.”
So, there they were. Even added a “Nice to see you.” What? Ok.
In my mind I have had a different conversation with this person. In the active hate stage of my healing, I had a lot to say. Truth is it took me a second to recognize them. I think I blocked out the face completely. When the second it took expired, I did have the wave of nausea, that quickly disappeared, and to that pleasant question, I answered, “I am great!” When the “Nice to see you,” followed up, I said “Yes.” Because I am certain it IS nice to see me, and it is not nice for me to see them, so I was not going to reciprocate the sentiment.
After the walk away, I realized that I am not completely healed. Professionals call this a “trauma response.” I had a wave of anger because they do not have anything to heal from. They wounded me. I did not wound them. I have had to pull myself basically out of bed because of what happened. I have had to reintroduce light into a dark place directly because of their actions. They seemingly bounce through their respected professional life, with a smile, and “nice to see you” as they go.
We cannot deny the responses we have to those that have wounded us or harmed us in whatever way. Do not let anyone tell you they did not cause that, because they do not dictate what your responses are to their actions. Do not live in that active hate. It harms you. They do not care. That is a very hard thing to do, but you are worthy of that healing. That freedom.
Feeling all the emotions and facing the responses, and seeing things for exactly what they are, can all be a part of the healing that only we can do.
It was interesting the thought the occurred to me. I used to see this person as very tall in stature. As if towering over those around them. Today though, as I walked away, I thought to myself, “Is that person shorter?”
The answer to that question is yes.
There is always a path to healing. We are all different. Check out some resources below, and ALWAYS talk to the medical professionals in your life. We are not alone in our journey though this life.
BeYOUtiful life❤ 